In conversation with Ruby and Tash

This week Ruby and Tash are discussing the topic of ‘Hitchhikers’ via Facebook Messenger

Tash:    Ok, this week we’ll discuss Hitchhikers, because I am reading a book about a man who is hitchhiking the length of Japan……you don’t tend to see many now, occasionally there was one wandering on Uckfield bypass, back in the day

Ruby:   What the same hitchhiker, a one useless one, stuck in Uckfield like purgatory- or different ones?

Tash:    Like I remember a straggly hippy man and then a girl one time, that was controversial. They had signs like “take me to Crowborough”. Nowhere too demanding I don’t think

Ruby:    What’s in Crowborough?

Tash:     Although you could just get a fuckin bus there. Not much, SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLES old house

Ruby:    Yeah once I saw one in Boughton that wanted to go to Canterbury, and I’ve walked from Boughton to Canterbury before, it’s maybe 2 hours?

Tash:     Hahahahaa Fuckin Lazy

Ruby:    I just think maybe they’re lazy actually and you can bunk Kent trains so easy maybe they like danger?

Tash:     Maybe, I don’t think many would stop for them. But then this is the same road that mr eyepatch frequents. He’s going to come up every week.

Ruby:    Yay a frequent guest! My dad hitchhiked to Paris in his youth

Tash:     Did he that’s so cool. How did he get on?

Ruby:    yeah, he got there and spent the night on a roundabout, but he was an art student

Tash:     Hahahahahaha So glamorous. That’s what you wanna do in Paris

Ruby:    His desire to visit the Picasso museum was greater than life itself

Tash:     That’s admirable

Ruby:    The flossy flossy

Tash:     Good for Papa ROOBI! How did he get across the sea?

Ruby:    He hitchhiked on a dolphin. He was at Dover all ‘click click click English click Channel click click pays de Calais click click’, in his very best Dolphinese

Tash:     How majestic.

Ruby:    Where do you think is the most dangerous place to hitchhike?

Tash:     Hmmm Syria probs

Ruby:    oh yeah let’s not go down the Syria road

Tash:     I think Iceland would be badman too as the roads are so icy, I presume

Ruby:   yeah Iceland wouldn’t be safe, but then there aren’t many Icelanders are there?

Tash:     No so you run another risk there, of never being picked up

Ruby:    Or getting Bjork and then having an icy journey full of crazy

Tash:     Hahaha id get in her car it would be nutty bananas. I’d come out the other end upside down.

Ruby:    She is from there isn’t she? I’ve not made that up?

Tash:    Yeah she’s an Eskimo Isn’t she

Ruby:    Do you think it’d be cosy being an Eskimo, cos I do

Tash:     I do. Nice warm coat. Not too keen on the blubber aspect, blubber on toast or under your armpits.

Ruby:    but it would be nice in a way cos you’d HAVE to put on weight, so we could sit in our igloo eating all the pasta

Tash:    That would be heavenly

Ruby:    Rubbing our bellies in actual happiness

Tash:     Hahahahha “I am accomplished, this huge pasta belly is helpful”. Would you stay in the igloo ice hotel as part of your metaphorical hitchhike journey? Joanna Lumley did it but I don’t think I could sleep with a fuckin coat on.

Ruby:    yes I think I would. Did she like it? Would it be nice?

Tash:     She did she said it was marvellous

Ruby:    or stressful

Tash:     For me it would be stressful, I also don’t like having socks on in bed. So with all that gear, but I probably would do it if I had the opportunity

Ruby:    No I don’t like having socks on in bed. Sometimes my friend sits in bed with her jeans on and I don’t like this, not one bit.

Tash:     OH MY GOD THIS IS MY NUMBER ONE PET PEEVE IS PEOPLE WHO GET INTO BED WITH THEIR FUCKIN OUTDOORS CLOTHES ON.

Ruby:    I know I know! I mean sometimes I go outside in my pyjamas, but I think that’s a sign of the times.

Tash:    Yeah same but I take them off and they go in the wash and I put another pair on before bed. I don’t care if that is too anal.

Ruby:    Same same, because they become outside clothes then and have outside air and particles on them.

Tash:     Yis exactly. I also have special outside pajamas which are thicker and more sturdy. I go to Tesco in these.

Ruby:    Yes, I have a pair of black jogging bottoms, that are a size 20, and i wear these to lounge and to go outside.

Tash:     Do you lift them up around your ears

Ruby:    I do, and also occasionally pretend I’m a weight loss success story

Tash:    Would you pick up a hitchhiker who was in jimjams?

Ruby:    Hmm, probably not.

Tash:     No never pick them up, LEAVE THEM. THEY ARE DANGEROUS PEOPLE.

Ruby:    Would you pick up Jesus? or Nelson Mandela

Tash:     I’d have to I would feel so bad

Ruby:    If they were alive, of course, and needed a lift to Crowborough

Tash:     Hahaha deffo Nelson; I would also give him a tour of sir Arthur Conan DOYLES house and take him to the Waitrose.

Ruby:    Yeah I think Jesus was a bit mad maybe. Well I don’t know that, but he might have been

Tash:    Jesus could probably make the car like fly and give you unlimited petrol

Ruby:    Yes, this is true

Tash:     But then he might expect a really long lift

Ruby:    to Nazareth

Tash:     Exactly. This book I’m reading Is actually called Hitchhiking with Buddha, how apt is that

Ruby:    Very! Is it good?

Tash:     It is it is very enlightening to crazy things like Japanese pod hotels but also the amazing natural beauty of Nippon.

Ruby:    ah, I’d like to read this. I’d imagine you’d have a Nippon in the ice hotel.

Tash:    I recommend. Hahahahaha good pun there

Ruby:   Thank you

Tash:    And that concludes our CHAT OF DA WEEK

In conversation with Ruby and Tash

This week Ruby and Tash are discussing the topic ‘Cars and Lorries’ via Facebook messenger:

Tash: One thing I have seen recently about cars and lorries is that in Sherlock fan art, people draw Benedict Cumberbatch doing tongue twisters like ‘red lorry, yellow lorry’. It’s a new thing.

Ruby: <laughs> Why? is that sexy?

Tash: I have no idea, apparently it is. Like the ‘purple shirt of sex’- one of those niche sexy ideas.

Ruby: He’s weird to me. I think he looks like an alien king. A nice alien king of course.

Tash: I totally would. My dad thinks he’s the finest actor of our generation.

Ruby: My dad thinks the same about Fassbender I think. He thinks that James McAvoy is always James McAvoy.

Tash: I never know what to make of James McAvoy, because he’s too sweet looking to be in that flying bullet film with Angelina Jolie.

Ruby: I had a huge crush on him in ‘Becoming Jane’ – that’s the kind of movie where he belongs. That or in a Train Spotting-esque role.

Tash: Sweet little man.

Ruby: Yes.

Tash: Or drug man- Glaswegian toilet drugs.

Ruby: Or toilet drugs anywhere.

Tash: Go on, another thing about cars and lorries if you like.

Ruby: Well, you know lorries….

Tash: Yis, well not personally.

Ruby: When they don’t have their long trunks on (I don’t know what they’re called), and they’re driving about- don’t you think it looks like they’ve forgotten to put their pants on?  Like they’re driving really fast clutching their balls. Driving along like ‘shit shit shit get to the depot’.

Tash: <laughs> Yes, they do look as nude as a machine can be.

Ruby: They are the whales of the road.

Tash: Good analogy. At school, did you have that thing where people punch you when they see a yellow car?

Ruby: Yes, yes we did, some schools had different car colours- different hate.

Tash: Well I had a yellow car and I got punched every time my mum picked me up from school.

Ruby: Did you feel like you were causing child abuse when you drove around in it? Hundreds of children clutching their arms as you speed past- on another note, I hate new car smell.

Tash: I am always trying to figure it out. Do second hand cars have it?

Ruby: I don’t know. Sometimes people would get in my first car which was 12 years old and be like ‘It smells like new car’ and I’d laugh thinking they were being ironic.

<Tash sends Ruby a link to someone who’s just tried to add her on Facebook- he is sitting in a car looking surly and is quite hilarious>

Tash: This guy just tried to add me.

Ruby: <laughs> He’s in a car. Probably a car that when he drives past, you feel the instinctive urge to bed him; music v. loud and certain parts of it sprayed matte, with some blue lights.

Tash: That’s why it’s his banner picture, so you get the effect, without seeing him in real life.

Ruby: mmm…sexy car man. Any other thoughts about cars?

Tash: I have DECLINED his request of friendship by the way. Can you drive? Yes, you can I know, how did I forget this momentarily? You drive everywhere.

Ruby: I can indeed, it’s easy to forget, but yes I do.

Tash: OMG I have another car thing, kind of; whilst I was sat in my car earlier in little Hampton- my mum came back and opened the door and asked me to pass her a pen because we were going home, and I went ‘YIPPEEEE’ and dropped the pen and it rolled onto the floor, and she goes ‘ I hope you won’t be like this when you are with Ruby, you are too excitable’, and I was like, if you think that me dropping a pen is mad behaviour, me and Ruby be dropping pens everywhere shouting ‘YIPPEE’.

Ruby: <laughs> I’ll be doubly excited- so excited I’ll launch into my party trick.

Tash: La Vie En Rose?

Ruby: Yes that too, but my other one, where I bend over and move my legs along with my hands. It’s not really a party trick, everyone could do it. I guess they just don’t because it’s highly embarrassing.

Tash: I have zero party tricks, unless you count dropping pens into the main road. I need to cultivate one, maybe we should try and get me one next week?

Ruby: Yes, we can work on it…. and so concludes our chat about cars? I like the way it’s not about cars.

Tash: Yes, we went off on a tangent AS THEY SAY. Oh, my mum told me to tell you that the old eye patch man [see Tash’s last ‘Freak of the Week’ post], well not only did he buy a  Fiat 500,  but he bought a PINK one.

Ruby: What? Do you know him?

Tash: No.

Ruby: How does she know this? Your mum is a majestic sleuth.

Tash: He told her.

Ruby: Oh, not so sleuth-y.

Tash: My mum is like a freakin’ detective, but in this case it was from the horse’s mouth.

<Tash sends Ruby some photos of Bob Marley>

Tash: Bob Marley is my imaginary history boyfriend.

Ruby: Elvis is mine.

Tash: Elvis swinging his hips at you.

Ruby: I always remember the definition of ‘Exodus’ from the song. I got v. confused in a Courtauld exam and went ‘Exodus? Exodus- movement of the people’.

Tash: MOVEMENT OF JAH PEOPLE

Tash: I DO THAT TOO. Thank you Bob for teaching more than a dictionary ever did for me.

Ruby: That fits nicely with our segment on cars and lorries- movement.

Tash: This was enlightening for our readers I think. We are the raconteurs of taste and wit, we could talk about aubergines and it would be compelling.

Ruby: Oh god I just saw the woman I babysit for. I keep seeing her jogging past me and I’m always wearing a hoody, looking suspicious.

Tash: Doing your dirty deeds.

Ruby: And I’m too pathetic to run, and she’s the goddess of fitness. She looks like how Barbie would jog, and I’m like a crack head off to score- too fat to run for it. One of those rare fat crackheads.